How to Find a Healthy Relationship With Sex After Sexual Assault
It can be very difficult for someone who has gone through sexual trauma to have a healthy relationship with sex after sexual assault. Your whole view of sex has changed. When you’ve endured that kind of trauma, it’s understandable that enjoying sex after abuse can be difficult and sometimes painful.
Often people who have experienced sexual abuse do one of two things – have sex with lots of people or shut down entirely and avoid sex. How can you find a healthy balance with enjoying sex after abuse?
The first thing for survivors of sexual assault is to know where to start. Trauma therapy can help you sort through the challenges you face when it comes to sex after sexual abuse. But it’s really important that you’re open with your sexual partner about what you need. It can take a while for a survivor of sexual abuse to learn how to enjoy sex after abuse.
Hi, I’m Kim Salyer, a trauma therapist in Pleasanton, California. Let’s dive in.
Sex After Sexual Assault & Trauma
For survivors of sexual assault, sex can be physically and emotionally painful. An unspeakable crime has been committed against you, robbing you of agency and control. It’s common for people who have experienced sexual assault to have a difficult relationship with sex physically and emotionally after the assault has occurred.
During sex, you might become triggered at any point. You may experience flashbacks. Some people dissociate during sex and just lay there while the sex happens to them. This can cause you to relive the trauma even more.
If you’re having casual sex after sexual assault, it can be very difficult to know what healthy sex looks like. You might go from partner to partner trying to find the right fit and not knowing what you’re looking for.
If the person you’re having sex with isn’t someone with whom you’ve established trust, it’s more likely that you’ll have a difficult time enjoying sex and getting through it without feeling triggered. If you’re having sex after sexual abuse with a long-term partner or someone that you feel comfortable with, it can still be difficult to learn how to enjoy sex after abuse.
Challenges Survivors of Sexual Assault Face
Survivors of sexual assault tend to go in one of two directions. They either are hyperaroused and seek out lots of sex or they have a low sex drive. Many survivors don’t want to have sex at all.
A common defense mechanism for survivors of sexual assault is dissociation. This is a defense mechanism that people who have experienced trauma, specifically sexual abuse, use to disconnect from their bodies and the world. Often when a person dissociates during sex they just end up laying there and, if they don’t have a partner who knows the signs, they could end up becoming retraumatized because they are no longer in control of the sexual experience.
Sometimes people who are having sex after sexual assault have flashbacks during sex. This can result in crying, fear, dissociation, or other coping mechanisms. If your partner doesn’t know what triggered you, they can’t help. In trauma therapy, you can try to identify your triggers so that you can communicate them to your partner to avoid being triggered during sex. Sex after trauma can also result in pain, both physical and emotional.
Build Trust
It can be hard to trust another person enough to have sex after trauma. It might be important to get to know the person you’re having sex with, even if they’re not a long-term partner. When you build trust you’re more likely to have a more pleasurable experience. It also may decrease your level of trigger or dissociation during or after sex if you know and trust the person you’re having sex with.
Focus On The Experience
People who struggle with enjoying sex after abuse can have a difficult time with orgasms. Try not to put too much pressure on having an orgasm. Just focus on having a pleasurable experience. It might take time to reach an orgasm during sex after sexual assault, and that’s ok. The first step is learning how to find pleasure in sex again.
Take It Slow When Necessary
Sometimes survivors of sexual abuse go through periods where they are able to enjoy sex. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, things change and they start experiencing triggers again. This is normal. It’s important to take it slow during these periods, even if it’s with a partner you’ve been having sex with for years.
Healthy Sex After Sexual Abuse
Enjoying sex after abuse requires trust and communication. It’s more difficult to learn how to enjoy sex after abuse by multiple partners. When you have a sexual partner with who you have an emotional connection and who listens to you and wants to understand your needs, it’s a lot easier to have a healthy relationship with sex after trauma.
If you can communicate what is happening during sex with your partner, you’re less likely to become retraumatized. If you’re experiencing pain, say something. If you’re starting to slip away into dissociation, ask your partner to stop. If you start to cry during or after sex, tell your partner what you need. Sometimes you may want them close and sometimes you may want space.
Talk about your relationship with sex after a sexual assault with your partner when you aren’t being physically intimate. If they understand where you’re coming from, they can support you and you’re less likely to become triggered. You can communicate what you need when you feel a certain way. If you don’t know what you need, you can talk to your partner about how you feel during physical intimacy and what you experience. If you can both identify and understand your triggers and trauma responses, you can work together towards enjoying sex after abuse
How to Enjoy Sex After Abuse
The most important thing about enjoying sex after abuse is building trust with your partner. Communicate boundaries, set expectations, and identify sexual preferences. Become emotionally intimate before you become physically intimate.
Another way to enjoy sex after abuse is to reconnect with your body. Try a quick body scan every morning or before bed. Do a few stretches or exercises. Connecting with your body will help you stay present during sex. You’ll also learn more about what you do and don’t like as far as how you want to be touched, both sexually and in a non-sexual way.
Start with yourself. Try to find pleasure in masturbation. Relearn what you like and how you want to be touched. Then you can communicate with your partner what may or may not work for you during sex. If there’s a specific position that triggers you, talk to your partner about it and avoid that position.
As you start building trust with your partner and enjoying sex after abuse more, try to experiment a little bit with new things. You and your partner should be prepared for what could happen if you get triggered and have a way to communicate that it’s time to stop or try something else.
Set goals. Here are a few examples:
Enjoy non-sexual physical touch
Be able to get undressed in front of your partner
Don’t cry during or after sex
Have a pleasurable experience with no pain
Be able to express your sexuality with your partner to get you both in the mood
Reclaim your sexuality. Engage in physical touches that aren’t sexual, such as hugs, hand squeezes, or holding hands. Practice emotional vulnerability to prepare you for sexual vulnerability.
Start Trauma Therapy in Pleasanton, CA to Start Healing After Sexual Assault
You can heal from trauma and learn how to enjoy sex after abuse. I’m here to help as an online trauma therapist. Together we’ll identify your triggers and help you heal from sexual abuse so that you can enjoy sex again. Take these steps to start trauma therapy and get support for your mental health:
Contact me to set up a free 20-minute consultation.
Start trauma therapy to identify your triggers
Heal from the abuse and start enjoying sex again
Other Online Therapy Services Offered in California
There are many reasons to consider going to trauma therapy. That is why I offer EMDR and trauma therapy for anyone who has experienced a traumatic event. Additionally, I offer emotional trauma support, PTSD treatment, and CPTSD treatment. As well as treatment for anxiety and depression which often go hand in hand with trauma. All of these services are available online in California.